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The Second Album: The First Of Its Kind (VRV05)

by Various

/
  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
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  • 8'' Lathe-Cut Hand-Numbered Record
    Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    The 419 one-second songs you see here are on Side A. An exclusive bonus song can be found on Side B. Only 25 in existence, each hand-numbered. It's round, it's 8'' instead of 7'', it plays on your record player, it has a unique handwritten quote on the sleeve, it does your taxes and blows you, and it has bonus material. What more could you want?

    Includes unlimited streaming of The Second Album: The First Of Its Kind (VRV05) via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Sold Out

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P - Here 00:01
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; - _ 00:01
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Liar - Ceyt 00:01
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about

Special thanks goes out to:

*You - For listening to this album, you actually did half the work. You provided the demand for the product we supplied. In my eyes, that makes you awesome. If you’re ever in Salt Lake City, let me know, and we can get some sushi together. Unless you’re that one summer camp teacher I had when I was seven who popped my balloon on purpose but let the other kid keep his. In which case I don’t care if you bought this comp, I still hope that you marry someone you love and then they leave you for someone younger with more money.

*A huge number of contributors from /r/NoiseComps on Reddit and from /mu/ on 4chan - A whole lot of these songs came from people whose names and identities we’ll never know. Many or even most will never even hear or know of the final product. They submitted songs simply because they saw a call to. The world needs more people who decide to contribute to things just because they can. Thank you to each and every one of you. Specific recognition goes to Squid Rapes Mouse from Reddit for the ten tracks you’ll find scattered throughout the record, as well as that one anonymous hero on /mu/ who also made many tracks and somehow perfectly understood the spirit of the project.

*Eric Stemshorn - On one hand I think it’s pretty stupid to say “this couldn’t have happened without [person]” because everything that humans do couldn’t have happened if the people who did it didn’t do it. But on the other hand, seriously, this never would have happened without Eric. His contributions can be seen in everything Crn Vrv has done to date, but especially this. He is most certainly the person who did the single most work on this compilation. ayyyyy lmao

[8/10/15, 2:07:18 AM] Eric: Did you credit me for designing the cover?
[8/10/15, 2:07:34 AM] Wolfe: No but I wrote this:
*Eric Stemshorn - On one hand I think it’s pretty stupid to say “this couldn’t have happened without [person]” because everything that humans do couldn’t have happened if the people who did it didn’t do it. But on the other hand, seriously, this never would have happened without Eric. His contributions can be seen in everything Crn Vrv has done to date, but especially this. He is most certainly the person who did the single most work on this compilation.
[8/10/15, 2:07:55 AM] Eric: Okay that works
[8/10/15, 2:07:59 AM] Wolfe: Anything specific you want me to add though?
[8/10/15, 2:08:18 AM] Eric Yes
[8/10/15, 2:08:53 AM] Eric: What the fuck is pickle loaf
[8/10/15, 2:09:06 AM] Wolfe: So
[8/10/15, 2:09:10 AM] Wolfe: You want it to read
[8/10/15, 2:09:18 AM] Wolfe: *Eric Stemshorn - On one hand I think it’s pretty stupid to say “this couldn’t have happened without [person]” because everything that humans do couldn’t have happened if the people who did it didn’t do it. But on the other hand, seriously, this never would have happened without Eric. His contributions can be seen in everything Crn Vrv has done to date, but especially this. He is most certainly the person who did the single most work on this compilation. What the fuck is pickle loaf
[8/10/15, 2:09:24 AM] Eric: Sure
[8/10/15, 2:09:31 AM] Wolfe: Why?
[8/10/15, 2:09:36 AM] Eric: Why the fuck not
[8/10/15, 2:09:44 AM] Eric: Actually
[8/10/15, 2:09:56 AM] Eric: Instead of that
[8/10/15, 2:10:08 AM] Eric: At the end can you just put ayyyyy lmao
[8/10/15, 2:10:37 AM] Wolfe: *Eric Stemshorn - On one hand I think it’s pretty stupid to say “this couldn’t have happened without [person]” because everything that humans do couldn’t have happened if the people who did it didn’t do it. But on the other hand, seriously, this never would have happened without Eric. His contributions can be seen in everything Crn Vrv has done to date, but especially this. He is most certainly the person who did the single most work on this compilation. ayyyyy lmao
[8/10/15, 2:10:44 AM] Eric: Yes
[8/10/15, 2:10:50 AM] Wolfe: Okay hear me out
[8/10/15, 2:10:57 AM] Wolfe: What if it reads out that and then this Skype conversation
[8/10/15, 2:11:24 AM] Eric: Eh fuck it sure

*Wolfe Padawer - I’m the guy typing this up, so I’m thanking myself! And why wouldn’t I? I’m a pretty cool guy. Unless you pop my balloon. Then I will harbor a grudge against you and take it out in the special thanks section of a music release years later. Seriously, that woman should not have been working with children.

*Randy Padawer - The man who loaned me the money to finance the record. You may notice the common last name; this is because, yes, I had to rely on family. So if you spent money on this comp, rest assured it went straight to him in order to begin paying him back.

*Adam Henry Post - Undeniably contributed a lot to the project. And not just the sampled ‘case in point’ audio file; by my count, he made the 3rd most number of tracks. Adam is a good rapper and he makes good toast. He also never once popped a balloon of mine.

*All the other friends who contributed - The list would be too long if I named each and every one of you individually. Actually come to think of it, it probably totally wouldn’t. Michael, Theo, Tom, Marsh. Wow that list is pretty short. I honestly am not sure what I was thinking. Also Charlotte totally tried her best to contribute but didn’t really know how. But all five of you are awesome and you should keep on existing.

Mike Dixon - For physically bringing into being the lathe-cut records. He didn’t pay me to thank him or say this, but if you want to order custom records of your own, his website is lathecuts.com. Mike is fluent in eleven languages (two of which he is the last known speaker of), he is officially the best go-kart racer in the state of Arizona and the third best in the country, and although I haven’t seen it personally, I hear his dick is absolutely massive. I once saw Mike swim down the fourth steepest waterfall in Canada without a scratch, get up, and then swim down the third steepest. Again, I totally promise he is not paying me to say any of this.

*Tate Hrinchuk - I showed him the unfinished comp and he gave me a dollar. This brought the all-time revenue from Crn Vrv Records to one dollar. Since this was my first dollar I probably should have saved it, but I honestly have no idea where it went. I think I accidentally gave it back to him when we went go-kart racing later and I was trying to pay for some of it. I totally beat Tate at go-kart racing, by the way. I wouldn’t be able to beat Mike though, he’s the best go-kart racer in the state of Arizona and the third best in the country.

*Vic Fieger - Created the Extended Play font used on the cover. I have no clue what Vic is like. For all I know he could be a total douchebag. Or maybe he volunteers at the homeless shelter every Saturday. Vic is an enigma, I suppose.

*Small label owners everywhere - You guys are my inspiration. If you’re making noise in your bedroom on a format that peaked in popularity the previous century, then let’s definitely go out for sushi sometime.

*Sushi - Can you believe I never even tried sushi until last year? I just kinda assumed I wouldn’t like it. I tried it on a whim and man, sushi is actually really tasty. Like I couldn’t believe what I had been missing out on. You should go out and give sushi an honest try. Even if you really don’t think you’ll like it at all, just give it a legitimate honest chance.

*All the places we and others stole soundbites from - Not even going to list them all, or even any to be honest, but thanks guys.

*The 13th Conférence Générale Des Poids Et Mesures - For officially defining how long a second is back in October of 1967.

*Garden Path Sentences - For letting us use one of their own as our title.

*Einigungsvertrag - For the 1990 reunification of Germany.

*Johann Martin Schleyer - Pro ädatikom Volapüki ün 1879. E, bi binos luveratik, das no spikols püki at, kanob sagön dinis noföl, kelis vilob du nolob, das no osuemols. O motakoitan, osömitamapünob mekädo glüetaluhogü blod ola. Odudranolöd löpiodräniko dogi olik ed olukoitükolöd oni naudalumitamasatu deadik levemo bludölu. Televidasökod el Dexter vedon gudikum progedo.

*Anonymous Omegle guy - Years ago, I had an hour long conversation with a guy on Omegle who was a Serbian Orthodox Christian. He told me that, according to “the prophecy”, when Russia reached a population of 180 million, France would collapse and the anti-Christ would be born. Those who refused to be chipped and tracked by the anti-Christ would be unable to buy things and would starve, but they would also be righteous and go to heaven. I would like to thank him for warning me of the impending terror we will all experience. Keep a close eye on that Russian population, people.

*What the fuck does case in point mean - Is it case in point for the fact that, hey, I get angry at something I'm passionate about? Apparently, that's an immature emotion. That makes no sense, at all. And no, I think I personally am mature. I don't think I'm the most mature person in the world, but I think that to some extent, I warrant being treated like a young adult, 'cause that's what a young adult is. When you're eighteen you turn to adult, at which point, do you call yourself a young adult? At what arbitrary age do you say, now you're a young adult? I consider myself a young adult! People treat me like a young adult! Lucas treats me like a young adult! My health teacher, everybody considers me, at my school, a young adult! And I want to be treated as such; I don't want to be taken away from a computer just because my parents, I, like, said something to my parents, I mean like, I understand if I have brutally offended them, or I've said something wrong. But I don't really do that anymore. I don't treat them the best, but I don't treat them the worst, I'm a teenager, these things happen. But I don't want, but I feel, it's absolutely ridiculous, it's beyond ridiculous, to be punished, and be stripped away of something, where you're, when you're, old enough to be able to think, and just like, I know you think you're probably immature and that you're, you're not, like, you're not capable of making decisions, 'cause of your views on age of consent or whatever, but I'm not like that! I think I'm perfectly capable and responsible for my own being, and my parents treat me as such. They tell me I can go to bed whenever I want, and I usually respect it, because I know what's good for me. They know, they, if anything, it shows me that they have high respect in me, and high respect of my standards and what I'm capable of, and I'm well, mature enough to actually be able to go to bed early if I need to; when to study, they don't tell me, 'study study study', constantly, 'cause they know, I will do it, on my own accord, and that's why I have a 4.3 GPA at the moment. If anything, it doesn't, uhh, it's not bad, it's not bad for me, it's demonstrating that they care for me, they love me, and they understand that I am capable and they're proud of me, they're fucking PROUD of me. Mike Dixon is the best go-kart racer in the state of Arizona and the third best in the country.


Now that I’m done thanking people and things, here are some people who I would like to extend a “fuck you” to:

*William Hull - For totally botching the July/August 1812 invasion of Canada and surrendering Fort Detroit. I’m still bitter.

*Something something balloon - I think I covered this one well enough

*The US Mint - For significantly modifying the composition of pennies in 1982 so that pressed pennies now have these white streaks that make them not look as nice.

*ISIS - For doing stuff that really bums me out.

*Otto von Bismarck - I honestly don’t understand why anyone looks up to this guy or respects him. He started the Franco-Prussian War on a purposeful lie, which killed hundreds of thousands, just to increase the military power of Germany. He stole Alsace-Lorraine from France and demanded reparations in the Treaty of Frankfurt that were similar in size and scope to what the Treaty of Versailles would later impose on Germany. He centralized power into the monarchy and military and circumvented democracy. Arguably, the way he altered the power structure and alliances of European nations eventually lead to World War I, which eventually led to World War II. Why is the capital of North Dakota named after him?

*This one microwavable meal I bought one time - Speaking of Alsace-Lorraine-related annoyances, I once bought an Italian-American microwaveable meal from a supermarket which, on the back, stated the recipe was developed by a specific family “in the Alsace-Lorraine region of France 100 years ago.” Except guess what? I bought this in 2014, and 100 years before that, the Alsace-Lorraine region was part of Germany. The Germans took it from France in 1871, and France didn’t get it back until 1918. In fact, around this time, Germany was intentionally suppressing French influence in the area. In 1915, Germany declared German to be the only official language in the region, changed town names to be more German, and even arrested some French veterans of the Franco-Prussian War. Now, to be fair, France would then go on to expel over 100,000 Germans who had settled in the region between 1870 and 1918 (which no doubt displaced many legitimate peaceful people) as well as suppress German newspapers. But the point still stands: this region was Germany in 1914, not France. In fact, there never actually was a singular territory called Alsace-Lorraine in France. Before 1871, it was the separate French Regions of Alsace and Lorraine. When Germany annexed most of each region, it combined them into a single German state. When the territory went back to France, it once again became two Regions. Fuck you specific European family a century ago, read a history book about your own time period sometime.

*Cancer - I don’t think anybody likes cancer. It’s one of those universal things we can all pretty much agree sucks.

*Some guy out there who likes cancer - Well, it’s pretty much impossible to get every single human being on Earth to agree on any single thing. There HAS to be a guy somewhere out there in the world who likes cancer. Maybe he’s some nut against overpopulation. Maybe cancer killed his middle school bully. Maybe he gets off on the thought of chemo-induced nausea. Either way, we can probably all agree that fuck him.

*Opera 15 - When it came out, Opera 12 was the best browser in existence. Built-in email client, notes, togglable sidebar, insane customization features, tab stacking, the ability to directly edit and apply changes to a website’s source code, the best download system of any browser, mouse gestures, Opera Turbo, and just so many interesting, useful, and specific features that it took me years to find out about some. And if it wasn’t the fastest browser, it was at least tied for fastest. Believe me, I tried every browser I could. The only thing that came close to Opera 12 at the time was Maxthon, an extremely solid Windows browser, with Chrome in third. Then they skipped to Opera 15 and my dreams were crushed. They got rid of their own Presto rendering engine and every single feature that made their browser the best. They made it a crappy reskin of Chrome with even fewer features. Now they’re on Opera 34, having adopted Chrome’s fast release cycle, and things aren’t much better. Now I’m desperately clinging onto a 2+ year outdated browser that is slowly showing its age more and more. To this day, there is not a browser as good as Opera 12 was when it came out. Why did you do this, Opera? Why?

*US Magnesium - The second biggest polluter in the state of Utah. They successfully lobbied for tariffs on magnesium imports, which caused the number of American magnesium die-casting companies to go from 40 to 20, half of them forced to close in just six years. Now they sell magnesium in the country for 50% more what it should cost, and automobile manufacturers have been forced to switch from magnesium to aluminum, decreasing structural integrity and fuel efficiency.

*Printers - Have you ever used a printer that actually worked as advertised? Because honest to god, I've used many different printers on many different occasions and they're all riddled with problems. I've never gone and printed something out and thought afterwards, "Wow, printing that was a quick and intuitive experience. I'm happy I did that." Even if you get lucky enough to have your document actually print out with no problems, figuring out how to get the thing to print in the first place is pretty confusing. It usually takes me at least a few frustrating minutes. Computers are supposed to make our lives so much easier, and usually they do, but for printers, they mostly just provide more opportunities for confusion. Even if the printer decides it likes you today, that dialogue box that pops up on your computer when you go to print something is pretty complicated looking. I'm pretty good with technology and even I really don't know what the media, quality and presents options even mean. I just leave that stuff alone but I'm not even sure if that's what I'm meant to do. What if the secret to getting printers to work properly is hidden somewhere in those settings? Am I actually meant to change them from the default once I buy the printer? I'm just too afraid to delve in and mess something up beyond repair to find out.

And even if you just ignore all that and ask it to print anyway, there's a major chance it won't even work. You know how often printers run out of ink? Way too often. And you can't just keep on using the colors the printer still has, of course. It won't let you print anything until you replace that one ink cartridge. Like, what do you mean I can't print out my essay because you're out of cyan ink? My essay is in black and white. I don't need cyan ink. Please print it out anyway. I don’t even know what cyan is. Why do you have that color ink? I don't remember the last time I needed to print out something in cyan. How are you combining that color with the other colors to make what I want? Or here's a better question, how are you not, because I still don't have my essay printed. Now I have to go out and buy a new cartridge, and do you have any idea how expensive printer ink is? Literally a gallon of printer ink is over $2,000. Spill a gallon of oil? No big deal, comparatively that stuff pretty much grows on trees. Spill a gallon of printer ink? Looks like you're going to have to work a real long time to pay that off, bud. To be fair, nobody buys printer ink by the gallon so it's kind of an unfair comparison, but still.

And once that cartridge is in your possession, good luck actually getting it in the printer and installing it. I'm sure there's something about doing it in the manual, but really, does anyone read the manual? Do you even have any idea where it is or what you did with it? Even if you did have it, that stuff is probably written by the engineers that designed the god forsaken thing. It might just make you even more confused. Do you have any idea what the cradle compartment or the print latch are? I, for one, sure don't. So even when you manage to get the printer open, you might just find a conglomerate of complicated parts staring back at you and have no idea what to do next. That piece over there is probably the cartridge, but how easy is it going to be to pull that out without breaking anything, and then be able to put the new one in? What if you mess everything up? What if the printer doesn't recognize there's a new ink cartridge? What if the whole thing breaks?

And if they're not running out of ink and requiring you to open them up and fix them, the problem is always something else. Like paper jams. What even causes paper jams? You only use one page at a time, printer. Only one sheet is supposed to go through you at any given moment. Why are there 23 pieces of paper stuck in you right now? Better yet, how do I fix this? Do I just pull it out, or will that make things worse? Should I try to remove one piece of paper at a time or try to pull all of them out at once? Or maybe your computer isn't connecting with the printer. This one happens to me all the time. What do you mean, printer not found? It's right there. Literally right next you. You should not be having problems finding the printer. Everything's plugged in and as far as I can tell I'm doing nothing wrong. Why does nothing in my life work?

Even when if they're in good working order, printers are still confusing. There are so many buttons I don't know what to do with. It's pretty obvious which one is the power button, and it isn't too hard to figure out which one the print button is, and some others are recognizable too, but hats off to the person who knows what each and every one of those symbols actually means. Printer buttons are like your remote control: you don't know what a bunch of the buttons do, you just use the ones you do know and get by. Some newer printers try and solve that by having an electronic screen and some buttons to control what is displayed, but good luck figuring out how to control and navigate that teeny tiny screen. If you're over 65, then looks like you're going to have ask your nephew or a seeing eye dog to come over and read what it says for you.

Okay, so let's say best case scenario, you give the printer the command to print, and without any problems whatsoever, it does so. Well congratulations, you now get the privilege of being subjected to the loud and obnoxious sound printers make when they're printing something. You know the one. It's playing through your head right now. I have no earthly idea why printers make so much noise. I put ink on paper all the time and I don't make nearly as much noise. Either you have to put your printer away from everyone else so it doesn't annoy people, like in your office, or you have to warn people before you print anything so they can prepare themselves. My printer currently sits on my dinner table, and there's no wall between it and the television, so if someone's watching TV, they're gonna have to pause it first so the printer sound doesn't inhibit their enjoyment of the movie or show or whatever. Which is actually kind of cool because we live in the 21st century when you can actually pause, rewind, or record live TV. See, televisions have been getting much better over time. Take a note, printers.

You can complain about printers and most people will pretty much know what you're talking about immediately. But complaining about specific problems doesn't always get the same response, because everyone has a different set of problems. I can complain about the needless and arbitrary problems I have with them and someone else might say, "Really? That never happens to me. I've always had these other needless and arbitrary problems." For example, my current printer plugs into the wall from a little hidden hole in the back, but the printer doesn't even detect it's plugged in unless you hold the cord in the back in just the exactly right way. I have to hold the plug downward at a bizarre unnatural angle just for the printer to turn on. If you get lucky you can let go of the cord and the device will stay on, but I guess I'm not often a lucky man. So I have to keep one arm in the back holding the cord while the other hand uses the printer and my computer to get what I need printed. It's an inconvenience to say the least. One time I plugged the printer into my computer to print something and I couldn't get it working for the life of me. After like half an hour I called my Dad over to help. Turns out I had plugged the cord into the wrong spot in my computer. Am I stupid for doing that? Probably. But why does the cord plug into two separate holes in my computer when it only works with one? All the ports on the side are different shapes and sizes and are for different purposes. Why did someone create a printer plug that'll go into TWO separate places when only one of those in particular works? Anyone who has ever used a USB flash drive knows that when plugging something into a computer, you just have to use trial and error to figure out how to put it in, so why mess with everyone who happens to choose the wrong one initially? C'mon, man.

Have printers always sucked so much, or is this a recent phenomenon? I'm pretty sure Johannes Gutenberg didn't have problems like this back when he created his printing press in the 15th century. I'm pretty sure that Scholastic doesn't have to unjam their machines after every 4,000 books they print. Honestly I don't even know if that's correct, maybe industrial printing presses have actually sucked that much for hundreds of years, but my gut tells me they haven't. As a society, we don't seem to have a problem with printing, per se. We just seem to have problems with modern day, personal, small-scale printing at the home or office. Do printers just suddenly become malfunctioning piles of circuitry after being scaled down to a certain size? When as a person you achieve a certain level of importance, do printers decide to work for you? I don't get it. This cannot be the natural result of technological advancement.

Whoever one day manages to invent a printer that actually works will have a million dollar product on their hands. I'd get one and probably print out a bunch of stuff just to bask in the glory of having a simple and problem-free printing experience. But I don't think it'll ever happen. My theory is that the printer industry is run by sadists who can't sleep at night without knowing they've inflicted pain on people that day. Whenever someone invents a printer that works, the big printer companies probably pay them off to the tune of millions to keep their inventions to themselves for the rest of their lives. Or maybe they've lobbied Congress to outlaw or extremely restrict decent printers instead, I'm not sure. If that's not the case, then it must be that printers, themselves, are inherently evil. This seems a lot less likely, but if there's not some secret evil corporate printer conglomerate, I believe this is the only possibility left. Personally, I once saw my printer take like 30 pages at once and jam itself rather than just taking the top sheet of paper. It's hard for me to believe that it didn't know what it was doing, or at the very least, that it wasn’t programmed to do that.

I think we should all mutually agree we'd be better off without printers and just destroy them all. I'm not saying go back to the Middle Ages where books had to be copied by hand, I'm just saying we should all take our personal printers, drop them into a pit, and set them ablaze in a giant bonfire. We should rely on computers more to get us off our printer dependence. Your boss wants that report printed out on his desk by tomorrow afternoon? Nope, sorry, he’s getting it as an email attachment. Want to hand out fliers at a street corner? Sorry, you're gonna have to ask people to give you their email addresses so you can email them the pdf. Need ads for a storefront? Hire someone to stand outside and yell at passersby about your promotion instead. Putting up lost dog posters? Well first of all, sorry dude, lost dogs suck, hope you find him, and secondly, nice shoes, they really go with your jacket and complete the outfit, and third, sorry, you can't print them up, but you can totally design a flier on your phone and then tape your phone to a pole at a busy intersection. It might seem like getting rid of printers would cause a whole lot of other problems, but I believe we'd be much better in the long term. The problem is that this is something that everyone has to do, not just most people. If a couple of people decide to keep their printers then suddenly those guys are incredibly powerful and people are offering them thousands to print stuff out. We're going to have to force everyone to give up their printers. This probably means going door to door and forcing everyone who won't comply to hand over their printers, or face horrible consequences. We can probably get the government to do this once more than half the population agrees. Normally I'm not the type of person to violently enforce my will against everyone, but for printers, I'll gladly make an exception.

So yeah, printers are kind of annoying sometimes.

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released December 9, 2015

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Crn Vrv Salt Lake City, Utah

Welcome to Crn Vrv Records. When others ask 'why?', we say 'why the fuck not?'

Crn Vrv is Eric and Wolfe. Eric is a large plastic container used for holding beads and other accessories, and Wolfe is a stay-at-home mom who already has enough on her hands and doesn't need your shit, Arlene. ... more

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